I Craved His Touch More Than My Healing
Until I Didn’t
There was a time when the hardest thing I had to fight wasn’t the narcissist in my life… it was me.
The part of me that still craved his touch.
The part of me that still believed the lies.
The part of me that confused intimacy with love and manipulation with connection.
Back then, I didn’t know I was trauma-bonded.
I just knew that no matter how much pain he caused me, I still felt pulled back in, especially physically.
And that pull was powerful.
It made me question myself, my healing, and even my worth.
I want to talk about that today, because if you’re in that place now, I see you. I was you.
Here’s what I’ve learned, looking back:
1. Trauma Bonds Are Real and They’re Not Your Fault
The cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard is addictive. It messes with your brain chemistry. I used to mistake those highs (the love bombing, the passion, the way he made me feel "chosen") as proof that what we had was real. But it wasn’t love. It was control disguised as connection.
2. The Lies Felt Comforting
He knew exactly what to say to get me to drop my guard. (promises, sweet words, even tears) Every time, I thought this time would be different. And every time, it wasn’t. I confused hope with progress. That’s what manipulation does.
3. I Thought Closure Would Fix Me
I kept thinking that if I just slept with him one last time, had one last conversation, maybe I’d get the answers I needed. I never did. Narcissists don’t give closure. They confuse. And they give you false hope.
4. Loneliness Made It Worse
There were nights when the silence screamed louder than the chaos ever did. I missed the familiarity, even if it was toxic. I missed being “wanted.” But the truth is, I was chasing connection in the arms of someone who only offered control.
5. Sex Wasn’t Love. It Was a Weapon
Every time I gave in, I gave away a piece of my power. He used physical intimacy to keep me emotionally hooked. It wasn’t about love. It was about dominance, possession, and making sure I never felt free.
So, how did I break that cycle?
I got honest with myself.
I stopped romanticizing the good moments and started remembering the truth.
I cut contact.
I wrote and journaled.
I reached out to friends.
I cried. A lot.
And little by little, I started choosing me.
If you're in that place where your body is craving something your soul is trying to forget, pause. Breathe.
Remember that this struggle is not a reflection of weakness. It's the result of emotional trauma, manipulation, and unmet needs that you can begin to heal.
Today, I don’t feel that pull anymore.
But I’ll never forget how strong it used to be.
And that’s why I keep showing up, to remind you:
You are not alone. And you are stronger than the pull.
Keep choosing yourself. One boundary, one no-contact day, one act of self-love at a time.
You’re rising.
Podcast Transcript
You know, something I used to really struggle with was the pull to sleep with my narcissistic ex — even after everything he did to me. It wasn’t about love, really. It was the trauma bond. That cycle of highs and lows had me addicted to the moments he made me feel wanted or special, even if the rest of the time he was tearing me down.
And he knew exactly how to use that — the sweet words, the fake promises, acting like he changed. Every time I gave in, it wasn’t about connection — it was about him regaining control.
Sometimes I told myself it was about closure. Like maybe if I was close to him one last time, I’d get answers. But it only ever left me more confused and hurt.
Honestly, the loneliness after the breakup was brutal too. That’s when I’d miss the fake good moments the most. It took me a long time to see that I was just trying to soothe the pain with something that caused it in the first place.
Now I can look back and understand it without shame. I know why I felt that way — and I’m proud I don’t anymore. I stopped giving him access to my body and my peace.
It wasn’t easy, but I finally chose me. And I’m not going back.